The Questions of Self

(The following is a character related post)

-The following is taken from book 140 of Alvaeth Elethevorath's personal journal-

-Written in common- "It seems I'll be leaving again soon. Vexing, those that I have met, to drag me into such a fast paced and hastily spun quest. The map is what I am speaking of, the one that me and the others found on the parcel we retrieved and delivered. I suppose, I should start with my days beginning, so as to have this fully understood by my future self. The day itself was harmless, lazy, and seemingly in good spirits. It brought with it a few visits from some of my kin, as well as a few of the elves working within our home. Dre'mus was about, running errands I believe. Well, now that I pen this, I'm not exactly sure where he was, though I had a sense he was someplace new. My day was a bit of lazy study, digesting the information I had been consuming so ravenously these last few weeks. It was not an unpleasant interruption though, as Vang and the Sha'vael came to my fathers house. Vang has been a frequent visitor, and I have the feeling he was concerned for my health, though he would never admit it. But perhaps I am being too familiar, his intentions may have been just for his duties, as he has apparently reinstated himself among the town guard. Phalantar would know more about reading into these new, what to call them, comrades, acquaintances. Shadows really, waiting to be lifted from my thoughts by the next dawns light. But such is the nature of the other races, so short lived, but capable of remarkable achievement. Still, it is too much for me to follow, and I have trouble with there faces, and names. Well there birth names at any rate. Regardless, the two requested an audience of me, and so I responded, meeting them outside. I was looking forward to talking with them, perhaps drinking a few ciders, or some of that bitter tea my elven friends blend for us from time to time. It was not to be. Questions upon questions, mostly about Lithual, about his whereabouts, about him possibly being a thief. They asked me to find him, and I have a feeling they do this because of my status as a wizard. I must have disappointed them, for the conversation seemed confusing, and rushed. Yet when asked to retrieve the map from lithual, I could not refuse. I enjoyed the walk to the East Hill Inn. I needed the exercise really, my studies and bed rest had me a bit off shape, and I found myself winded as we reached the magnificent Inn. I should note, that I do not admit to physical frailty. Iomandi himself told me that I had a hidden reserve within me that allowed me to push myself farther than most. Still, I guess that is more of a magical aptitude. My leg did snap quite easily, and my lungs and legs have been protesting extended walks. Regardless, the walk was needed, and I enjoyed the silence and relaxing breeze that led us to the Inn. I should note that Vang and the Sha'vael seemed uneasy by too much silence. Within the Inn we found Lithual, and soon after, the Fir'ath met us there as well, though he had an escort, one he later told us was his sister. What transpired at the table really was of little importance, save the fact that we knew the map led us two days from East Hill, and to what we all believed was another den of these barbarians, these, cultists. Again, I find conversing with them to be so confusing, so disorienting, like the movements of my beloved elves, or of the soaring winds, these other races seem to change there interests, desires, and thoughts. I also found myself questioning my very reasoning for traveling. Surely getting rid of the supposed curse on Vang would be a worthwhile quest, yet I found myself apprehensive, hesitant, and reluctant. I did not voice this of course, for doing so would make me appear, weak, cowardly. But is that not the case, do those very emotions not stem from cowardice. Is that to be my lot in life, constantly in fear of confrontation. No, that is not the case. My fear comes from the power that I do have. What it can do, what it can be used for. Yet I find myself not wanting to use it at all, and at the same time, have the deep need and desire to get it to a point not yet achieved by mortal or elf. Still, by being inactive I risk more lives getting harmed. By becoming too powerful, would I not draw more harm to those i'd seek to protect? So confusing, so fluid these feelings. My magic comes from the very passion of my god, and my god is the very source of chaos, the very source of passion. Perhaps even my great discipline cannot control the magics I one day hope to wield. Frustrating. I should have penned this all in Aquan. Well. Tomorrow we leave. Setting off on a quest that will hopefully secure a bit more peace for East Hill and the surrounding area. As my life progresses, as I come into the power and responsibility that have been gifted to me, I find myself in a state of emotion, what is this? loneliness? or perhaps something missing. Maybe these quests will help me search out that which I need to complete myself. What is this feeling. I have so much to meditate on, and finding peace this evening wont be so easy. I'll have mother help me with some prayers, and perhaps these fluid thoughts will dam up for awhile. Oh my elven blood. Such a precious, vexing thing. I would not change it though. Patience Alvaeth. Trust in your self. Trust in your training. The silver circle gives purpose to magic. It will be my goal to bring purpose to myself."


(Ok, i'll have more after we finish this next big story!)